Changes..

This post is going to be so incorrigible, blunt and raw but it is going to be here all the same.

Its been 6 days since I thought of writing. Six, that is how long it has been since I came back from NYC. Yes, yes, I went back, for the second time, in less than 2 weeks. Come on, dint I tell you I was romanticizing the trip too much. I thought it would gradually decline but it somehow did not. So, I decided to get some official work done, that which I had been postponing for close to 9 months now. I had to travel and as it was semi-official, I ended up staying with my friend. Yes, the very same. In essence, I made my sentiments go all topsy-turvy and the decline became an exponential increase. Anyways, there I was.. in New York City.. again!

In the past few days, I knew I wanted to write but the what-about has been deforming, rather I have been. If I had to recount my experience, it would be just like last time. Loads of fun, lots of happiness. You know this, from-the-bottom-of-the-heart thing. That is what it was. Add to this some excitement and anxiety due to the impending hurricane and lot of misery for having to leave 2 days earlier than expected, that was my trip.

Now that you know how much I love being there, I decided not to rub it in all over again. There I was and paradise it was, period. What got me thinking was, why I am not the same otherwise. I know there is this factor, that I have to totally attribute to my Prof, my grad school Director who decided we would fit best together and the program. She did an amazingly great job. We are so much in sync, were while we were in school, still are and I'm pretty sure that is not something that would change in the long run. Probably that is all it is, put in together a bunch of like minded people in every sense and they are happy whenever wherever.

But what I also did realize was that I am a different person, in their presence. Not like this weird different or hypocritical different. It is more like, shook the perspectives and ideas that I have held closely for a very long time and brought about a change in the attitude thing. Just to give the mildest of it, I'm not someone who is very happy around people who are consuming alcohol; see I don't say drunk, because my friend drove it to me that in-taking and being drunk are two different things and it pisses one off when you loosely use the term and me instead of arguing and saying whatever be it it is not fine, I accepted it and stopped using the term. Anyways, that is not the point. So, I used to be horrible in that environment, whereas now I am good with people drinking, I am good with going out with people for the very purpose, I am good with staying till 3 in the morning doing it, I am even good with getting back with them and crashing in. Darn it, I actually am great. That is just not it, alcohol, smoke, music, politics, relationships and way too much more. If I start listing out all that I am ready to recognize now, anybody who had known me would be sure that I'm possessed.

Why am I so different around them? Why am I so comfortable with it? Why am I so accommodating? Why do I earn for it so much? Why do I romanticize? Why am I ready to redefine? Why am I ready to alter my whole value system? Why am I ready to be so not me!! Well.. the only realization that dawned on me... at the end of the day... it is all about the people.

Go Big Red!

Finally, a happy happy post, a lil beyond bounds may be. But happy I am and that is what this post is going to be, embarrassingly so. I did not mention that I was going to NYC over the weekend, did I. So, that is where I was, with my fellow grad-schoolers (Yeah, yeah, I know the term does not exist. I also know what I should have typed instead. But lets just not do it ok. I'm sure you could figure it out with all my cheeky mentions anyway) I was so totally excited and lil apprehensive at the same time. These were some of the best of people I have met, all my life, insanely smart and extremely friendly. And, I have not been with them all since graduation. Obviously the excitement took over and to the city I went.

It was going to be 5 of us. The fille who got us all together with her visit. An awesome person who can actually bring any set of random people together. She was back from traveling around the world for a year and she wanted to catch up with her friends. Being the sweet person she is, she flew in from the west to north-east, for the very reason. The next one is another great girl. To give you the context, if you take the most-smartest of the mathematically oriented people in the whole wide world, add in ambitions the height of Everest, never-ending stream of hard work, enthusiasm beyond saturation levels and impossible amounts of friendliness, you get my Class of 2010. And this one was one of our valedictorians. Then comes the guy, well.. not yet, first comes his apartment, the place that I crashed in. When I first mentioned the place to one of my other friends, the conversation went like this "Wow! He lives right in the middle of the world" "Well.. If you lived there, you are the bloody world!". Come on, put it all together! Ok, now comes him. One of those people who have made me wonder what the heck was I doing all my teen life. Smart, successful, sportive, sensible and sensitive, all at the same time. And the last one, well.. if you had meet him, you will totally redefine determination. One of those early friends of mine from grad school, more so because of the Indian-ness, but not the kind of Indian type that I never could accept. A lineage of accomplishments and so totally going to be worth it all.

So, there I was in New York City! The minute I entered the apartment, the very lil of the apprehensions totally vanished. It was like the good old days, if not better. Discussing weather was so not needed, until of course it started raining the 2nd day. Anyways, it was amazing from the first minute. Did a lot of stuff I have always been hesitant to do. Street food, going out at 11, opening up over a hi, posh lounges - witnessing all that it comes with, being so very comfortable around people doing what they do best in such environments, walking 15 blocks in the middle of the night, coming home at 4, coming home with people high on 7 drinks, chatting till 5 when the drinking continues at home, sleeping till 12, silly jokes trying to freshen up, walking through creepy warehouse-y New York streets, going to hidden shady French cafes selling impeccable desserts, Chinese brunches, American politics lunch conversations, loosing sense of direction, admiring awkward buildings, dreaming of 10K-1br condos, fair shares of Macarons, backpacks full of gadgets, walking and nothing-ness in central park, chai chocolates, girls shopping and guy ends up buying, blowing off dinners, non-stop chatter with uncontrollable laughter, decks with views, playing pool rather learning to without any inhibitions, dinner out at 11 - waiting in the bar for an hr discussing Indian caste-ism and sentiments, laughing over smutty conversations in front of desis, taxi rides, crowded pubs, car bombs, enjoying getting drenched in the rain, taking the subway with tipsy people, continuing talks on earlier mentioned lines, NYC subway map boxers, getting freaked by one's drunk conversations, getting totally impressed by other's, Austin Powers, inane amusement, snuggling on Sunday morning talking about Keynes- trillion dollar gap- literal total eclipse of the heart - Alvin Ailey - temples and church services - raw material for cookies and everything else under the sun, ordering in Indian buffet, promising first drinks, giving depressed talks and finally starting back home walking 10 blocks in the rain on the 8th. Bliss!

Its been 2 days and I have not stopped romanticizing the trip yet. Everyone I ever mention any of it to is absolutely baffled and can't believe it was me. I wonder if I would have felt all that I felt sometime ago if this was the kind of weekend I can have, may be even once a month. I ruminate.. I dream.. After it all, just one thought, a sentence from a movie dialogue though totally unrelated, keeps popping into my mind "... vaazhkai epdi vaazhradhunu naa kaatren"

A year old professional

Yes! It has been a year since I started working! I almost forgot, if not for the surge of new hires yesterday. I had always assumed this to be such a scary endeavor that it feels extra good to have held on to it for a year. What else could I have done after graduating, you wonder! Well.. PhD was an option, while away another 5 years in school and then become a Prof, not that that was not working, anyways or may be do what every 3rd Tam girl seems to do, lets not even get me started on that. So, I made my choices and here I'm one year later, happy that I did what I did.

I still remember the first day of work when I was supposed to make it in by 8.45 and I had the option of taking the connection to here at 8.40 or 7.50. I choose 7.50, given the 15min ride and ended up reaching the station by 7.10! I could have been early by an hour and a half. That is what I am I guess. Get apprehensive, obsess over trivial issues, over-analyze, freak out, bug everyone else, anger, finally go wth and yet end up giving it 3 different excessive buffers.(Ok, not as bad as that sounds, but I'm a little too cautious yes)

Anyways, I made it to work well and good on the first day and its been great since then. A nurturing environment, a very intelligent - hard working team, awesome neighbors, young and fun colleagues, stimulating discussions, exciting work, some not-so-exciting stuff, a few 16hr days, a few 7hr ones, work-from-home, 3hr lunches, lunches at 4, meetings at 6am, meetings at 9pm, Christmas and Halloween parties, summer carnivals, re-orgs, roadshows, recruiting, some bad days, some great days, a lot of peaceful ones.. One amazing year and hopefully a precursor to many more.

Tuesday blues and grad schools

Tuesdays! Yes, I've those in addition to the all too well known Monday blues and Sunday evenings. It all started about 3 months back. As always, to go on with the prologue.. you know what is a bummer when you live in the Western hemisphere, you get to start your days much later than your counterparts. If your counterparts live not only in Europe but also in Australia, you start everything after they have put it to rest for the day. And, when anyone decides they need to talk something out with you, everyone is all too happy to pull you out of bed at an ungodly hour! Yes, you end up having meetings at 7am. Not only do you have to attend a 7am they decide to have you put something together for the meeting and also have a 8am, that you loose the option of dialing in from home unless you want to be the last person getting in to work. Put it all together and you get me waking up at 4, every Tuesday. Yes, every Tuesday. No matter how much I try, I just can never get into the routine. Now, that justifies having blues right.

Today was one of those Tuesdays. Add to it the Monday that was yesterday when I could get off only after 8pm, I should be seeing all colors today. Given you are reading this, you sure are swearing at me for making such a huge issue about working till 8. I totally get it. When I talk to some of my friends and classmates back home, I hear all sorts of stories when people had to work odd hours. You have 16 hr work days, 18 hr days, you leave work at 4am and start again at 8, your routine schedule is 3pm to 12am, you have to accommodate calls at 3 in the night, you have gone without weekends for 3 weeks at a stretch, you have crashed at office, I've heard it all. But, I don't work is such environments. I work in this country and I'm not an I-banker or 4-days-in-flight consultant. I work at a nice, awesome, sane, peaceful place. So, no it is not normal for me to have 14hr workdays and start again at 4am. I totally have to mention this here. When I first started doing this schedule, my VP made it a point to call and let me know that it is totally fine if I feel I can't make it to meeting some day and even if I did make it I should not extend my day too long into the evening. So, you get the kind of place I work at right. Okay, now I have digressed too much that I've totally lost track.

Yep, got it. So, it was one of those Tuesdays and at 3 in the afternoon I was all maxed out when I came across this, from a mention somewhere else. To say I was appalled is an understatement. I kind of agree that no deliveries is overkill but.. do they actually get their rooms cleaned by someone, seriously!!! I just could not believe it. And the students actually protesting, you must be kidding me! Not that I'm against them or anything. I've quite a few friends there, extremely smart people and doing great in life. But this did seem ridiculous. I know for a fact about all the stuff they do. I still remember my CAT prep days when one of the mentors who is an alumnus, told us that his best takeaway was learning to work under pressure and manage time effectively. Yes, they have to study loads and loads, cases, assignments, exams, clubs, events. I get it. I also know that there are freshers parties, club parties, section parties, after event parties and more. Yes, they do have time to do it. Oops, thats networking!! But the supposedly créme de la créme of our country can't even clean their own messy rooms.

What totally threw me off and forced me to write about it was the few reader comments that followed the article. I probably read like 10-15 of them. I just could not go further. I have no idea why the comments went wayward, but people had to bring in grad students here, compare both and pass judgments. How can I stay put now! If you choose to compare the "best" b school, lets go to some place really good if not the best. Actually, I personally had friends who took in a workload of 20 credits a semester(the normal being 12 max), worked 15 hours a week, prepared for other certifications, searched for a job during a recessionary period(Yes, here you "search" for jobs), lived off campus, cooked their own food, did groceries, cleaned their rooms and still managed to get great cgpa and land awesome jobs. How do people even come up with such comparisons!! Anyways..

Reminds me of a conversation I had with one of my friends (who is a part of the best, in their sense of the term) which ended with me going all "My school gave me the attitude that I can do anything, if I want" and him with "And mine that I deserve everything".

Home away from home..

Saturday evening 7.30.. and here I'm, sitting at home with blogger open and some Tam song in the background. Blame it all on the Friday night I had. Not that I was up all night pub hopping. (Yes, my vocabulary now contains words like pub hop, crawl, high, Vegas, sloshed,beer pong, karaoke and more) No, I don't do that, not even remotely close. In that sense, its the same old me. Yesterday night, I was just out for dinner, with lot of chatting and bit of shopping(No, I am not the 'shopping' kind yet either, but my company was and also, I needed a pair of sneakers, which I have n't bought yet anyway). So, I was out eating, walking and talking, right from early evening and if you know New England at all, you will realize it is that time of the year and that time of the day loaded with pollen. Add to it my Starbucks run this morning, you get the cold ridden-sneezing every 20sec-red,watery eyed me. I had no option but to be medicated and sedated. I slept through the whole afternoon and since then been just lazing around. Not that I need a reason for it but that its a Saturday afternoon yet I might have been at the least out eating good food if not for this.

Coming back to my passing mention of the Tam song in the background. Its the opening song from the movie Shivaji. If you are this Tam,Tam-lyrics-understanding(Yes, it is a subset) person you would have already guessed why I'm here. Yes, that song is so full of nostalgia and wanna-be-in-India that I could not have done anything but be here. Things that I might have passed off without a second look, or second 'hear' rather, seems to haunt me. So, if you do not know what this song is about, here I go. It is all about this guy coming back to India from the US with a cause and listing out all the things he missed (and so you ought to) by being away from home. I should say it is a job very well done. Starting with national geographic, food network and going to entertainment and people weekly, it chokes with memories. Now, I am all I-need-to-list-something-out. To be fair..

I had to start out with why it is great being here. Any time I think of it, the first thing that comes to mind is people. I always say, if not for the people my undergrad college(Yes, you caught me, I did say school and changed to college when I re-read the whole thing and added this note too, the influences huh!!) would not be what it is and it is even more true here. My life is full of the most awesome people you could meet. Where else could I have been friends with Princeton Math majors, Harvard Econ majors, MIT MechEs, CMU CS undergrads, Ga Tech IEs, Cal Tech Physicists, Ecole toppers, Tshinghua Engineers, Harvard and Wharton and MIT and Booth MBAs (Man!! I'm so star-struck!) and much more, not to mention the Cornell OR grads :) :). This without even talking about the families and backgrounds. It is sheer awesome-ness. Where else could I have had lunch conversations on Robotics, video game programming, Korean politics, economic depression, Presidential election, independent films, Chinese population explosion, Egyptian history,Black-Scholes model, Indian and Ecole systems, XKCD comics, zip lining, corruption, digital printing, market psychology, FB grids and what not. There is never a dearth for sensible conversations. I would never otherwise have learnt to give so much importance to being polite, friendly, pleasant, amiable. Starting with use of pleases and thank yous to writing emails to CEOs, you get to learn it all. The professional life here, as I hear comparisons, is amazing. You get the freedom, independence and respect very early and you are always challenged. And to think of all the varied multi-faceted opportunities you get, not in another 100 years can it be matched. This supportive, nurturing, learning, challenging environment is unparalleled. Talking of freedom, it is evident in every walk of your life. You can do anything you want(within legal bounds of course but there it ends), any way you want with no repercussions and obligations. I can go on and on about all that I learnt and love about this place and I still would not be doing enough justice. So, you get the idea right..

Now, I did say all that, but there is something missing still. It is not on the life changing front, but.. It still is not home and all that it comes with, dad, mom, family, friends, food. There are all these small things that you miss. I still remember my Kenna intern days, when we head out from work on a Saturday afternoon, watch an Indian movie, roam around the malls, have some non-Indian cuisine dinner and (here comes the best part) someone drops you home because its late in the night. No, you just can't get it here. There is something about going to Odyssey that Barnes and Noble, fine Amazon, can not give you. There is the taste of the supposedly Mexican and Chinese(even the McDs and KFCs) which the authenticity can not offer. There sure is something great about dosa for breakfast, which of course the cold cereal and pancakes can not match. There is something about the Hindu and its additions, that is somehow missing in WSJ and NYTimes. The mirth that comes about switching on the car radio to a Tam song is so totally lost on country rock. The pleasures of morning-traffic people-watching can never be realized with IPod listeners and Kindle readers. There will always be a difference between po-da and man-you-suck. There is something about the tea and Parley-g breaks that chocolate frosted donuts and caramel lattes don't parallel. The grilled chicken sandwiches and default risk discussions don't even come close to the rice-rotis and scandals and scams. The what-plans-for the-weekends can never replace the exhausted TGIF. There is the laughter and joy of switching on the tv and watching re-runs of Friends in Star World which the ABCs and NBCs don't provide. There is something about sending sms that texting can never suit. Driving a scooty in dust and traffic is any day distant from the snow protected air conditioned Mercs. There is something about dropping by a friend's house unannounced and being invited in for dinner that 2 emails, phone confirmation and apologies for any disturbance never will do. The Skype conversations and hangouts can never replicate the comfort of being sprawled on the floor talking to the person in the couch. There will always be something indescribably great about being home that no country ever can come anywhere remotely near..

P.S. I did say so much and more, but seriously considering.. the cost-benefit so absolutely pathetically fails.. So here I am and will be, for the foreseeable future..

Two years is not too long..

or so I want to think. I started with the title with the numerals in there, as that seemed more informal and blog-gy(???), but then is n't that too ironic. Anyways, yes, its been a little more than 2 years now since I was in this space last. I was wondering if I should talk about why I was not here so long or why I am here now, out of the blue and finally decided to do both. After all, it is my blog.. just for me right..

The last time I was here I was just about to go to grad school. Now, I'm done. I've a Master's!! Its a huge deal right, what with all the cribbing and crying I did before that. Honestly it turned to to be one of the awesome-est (Ahh language.. I sure need more degrees of freedom!) experiences ever. I'm glad I did it and not settle for something else. That was one year of my life, almost, and of course I could not have been blogging then. Well.. I could not have even been eating or sleeping then (Did you not notice, nah.. I'm not explaining what you did not notice) . So, that accounts for half my absence. And after that.. I started working. Yeah, not only did I finish my Master's, I started working too (Its alright, even I am all exclamations) Work sure did not engulf all my time but then I had been out of here for so long that I thought I had lost it. And so it went on.. till now..

Now to the why now part.. in short, I needed a vent out. Given that, I live in this foreign country, in a foreign city(what else would you call the city where you moved to, with all you friends from school moving to a different, and mostly same city), have many (not really) do s and don't s, with all my best friends going back to school - b-school rather(yeah, I have to have the "b") or busy with work in a country with extremely opposite time zones, and above all life changing so fast and me having all these thoughts, I had to have a way out. A place that was not very personal (would n't that make me feel no one is listening) or too public(come on.. of course not FB updates). So here I am!

Actually, that is not all and that definitely is not it. THE reason that drove me here, today, right now is.. I miss being home, not like house-home home but more like the motherland home. Now.. now.. I sure do sense all the question marks and sighs and exclamations and rolling of eyes. Yes, its the very same me and yes I miss being in India. So, I really had to talk about it. (Yeah, here! as, when I talk about it most other places, all I seem to get is cold stares which says why would you want that when I wish to switch places with you) Also, I have been reading all these blogs by Indians (Is that not what you do when you are "reporting" for a week or so and have half of it left to go before you can move on to something else) which makes me go all what-if and how-nice and more. To add to it all, I read this article yesterday, a very long one at that, on India Today about all these entrepreneurs coming back home with the hopes of creating a change and succeeding at that too. No, I'm not this social-responsibility-personified kind (Ok, don't rule that option out yet. If I'm this right now, in so short a time, I may be that in the long run) but I do think it might be better to be home, now (don't you get it? I add this "now" and that essentially adds a disclaimer that I'm allowed to contradict it anytime I want and add yet another now there :P ). Now, that explains it right!

Here.. guess I've said it all. That was long enough for the first time after two years. I've have mused enough though not so erratic enough. Anyways, here is to more of musing, rambling, pondering, brooding, ruminating and what not..

F09

F09!!! Thats what we are called.. Its more than a month away and God knows how bad this is going to get in the mean time. I am so damn scared, very very apprehensive and too worried about how this is going to work out. I don't know if I can cope with all the new subjects, the pressure, the new place and what not!! I don't know what is expected of me. I don't know how I'm going to manage it all. And.. So many times it makes me wonder if I fit in at all. The awesome university and a great field at that, the kind of people who get in.. All that leaves me wondering.. Why am I even there. But somewhere down I realize, or atleast I'm told to realize, that I won't be where I am going to be if I was not really worth it. I must be. There must be something that does make me a part of the league. But what is it.. I'm yet to find.

So many times, getting to think about it, I feel.. may be, it would have been better to have taken up the job. Almost always when I get to discuss jobs with friends, it always leave me feeling bad. It still hurts. When everyone is working, here I am.. going to Grad School.. It does not make it any better saying it out. Well.. It is bad to be thinking about it too. The kind of life people have, because they are earning, leaves you feeling low beyond limits. Not having got to study like crazy everyday, no worrying about tests, assignments and gpa. It is so good. There is this best part, you get to earn!! You can spend it the way you want. Go to a movie, hang out with friends, or atleast get to buy a book for 100 bucks without having to think "OMG 100!!" Even if not that, you don't really have to keep tabs of every penny you spend, you don't have to live on 2 meals a day, you don't have to worry if eating one proper meal out will leave you out of your cash for cereals that week, you don't plan a month before on living in noodles and bread, you don't have to cut down on your travel expenses so that it might help you with a laptop, you don't have to plan on buying laptops which might cost a 50 bucks less, you don't have to worry for 6 months if your house and utilities would cost 20 bucks more than you thought it would, you don't have to worry if talking over the phone to your parents will get you broke.. Oh my God.. I really don't want to do this. For any one who earns, everything seems so trivial. But here I am, yet to point out trivial stuff that might bother me. If you just can't remotely imagine what the trivial stuff might be, then I'm sure you must be having a job.Damn!! Makes me regret why I dint take up the job. Damn!! I should have. I must have been crazy!! Really Really Crazy!!!!

Hmmm.. Well.. Hope I survive!!!!