Wednesday, October 5, 2011

So Do People..

Or may be not. (Yes, I'm going to spell it out, the first half of it was times change) After a sleepless night, about 7 miles of walk and a lot of depressing thoughts, I still have not come to terms with it. I tend to blame myself for everything that went wrong. I'm supposed to blame it all on the jerk and let go. I'm supposed to feel I'm worth too much more. But I just am not able to. May be its a woman thing or its just me. No matter how much I know otherwise.

Whenever I think about it, there is a lot of negativity. I come up with a hundred reasons to feel victimized. But I don't want it to take the better of me. For, the more it gets to me, the more I feel stuck and remember I can not end it. As always, I don't enjoy having enemies less so hating friends. So, as I replied to one of my random emails at work today, I take the high road. (Yes, I'm back to being the cryptic confusing self) Reminds me of one of the discussions I had with my friend. Talk of stock prices led to economics that lead to politics and to that of the middle east and finally ended in what is loosely defined as philosophy. My friend was explaining why he believes in re-birth. No, he is not one of those types. He is an extremely smart, quantitative man but yes my friend and so of course, he talks everything under the sun and yes that is very limiting. Coming back to re-birth, what he said was one of those ideals that is infinitely soothing. If you did not have enough of a life time to reap for all that you did, you of course had to be born again. Be it good or bad, the latter more so. People who are inherently poor, not defined monetarily here, are actually facing it all. Reminded me of what my mom always says, as long as you keep doing good, the universe gives it all back to you. It is so Dharma, but there is so much negativity without me having to add to it. And, at the end of the day, as I always say one can never stoop to certain levels. So, no matter how much it hurts, it is all going to be me.

Talking of all this, reminds me of a comic strip from Tinkle that I read, probably 15years ago. It starts with a man advising someone to believe that 'even this will pass' and the other questioning if he actually believes it. The end goes something like 'yes, I do. I was worried about losing 10 pounds then and now I'm worried about a 20' (Yes, that was funny.. 15years ago). But the crux of it is 'even this will pass' . I would have learnt it through better means had I been more traditionally religious and read Bhagavad Gita. Whatever the means be, this is something that I started to accept. As much as I started believing shit happens. Anyways, the last time I remember thinking even this will pass was when I was in grad school and having house-y issues. (Man! I'm on a roll here, with all the connections!) Those were some of the most depressing times though it affected me less than now. There were mornings when I used to wake up to misery. The one thing, lets go for inanimate here, that kept me going was this song that I used to play over and over. Specifically, this one sentence had so much hold over me that I went on to extremely believe in it.. manadhin neelam edhuvo adhuve vaazhvin neelamada...